To:               Offroad@off-road.com
Date sent:        Thu, 28 Nov 1996 11:04:42 +0000
From:             Willem-Jan Markerink 
Subject:          (Fwd) Long, but worth sporadic reading
Send reply to:    Offroad@off-road.com

Yep, it's time for a tension breaker again!
(before Glenn writes a glorifying poem about that poor turkey)


Hope all of youse have a great Thanksgiving!
Here's A Heap Of Redneck Jokes

                                            YOU'RE A REDNECK IF ...........

URA Redneck if: You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting
                your wife drunk.
URA Redneck if: You ever cut your grass and found a car.
URA Redneck if: You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
URA Redneck if: You think the stock market has a fence around it.
URA Redneck if: Your stereo speakers used to belong to the
                Drive-in Theater.
URA Redneck if: Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
URA Redneck if: You own a homemade fur coat.
URA Redneck if: Chiggers are included on your list of top 5
                hygiene concerns.
URA Redneck if: You burn your yard rather than mow it.
URA Redneck if: Your wife has ever said, "Come move this
                transmission so I can take a bath."
URA Redneck if: You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
URA Redneck if: The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
URA Redneck if: You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
URA Redneck if: Birds are attracted to your beard.
URA Redneck if: Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
URA Redneck if: You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
URA Redneck if: You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
URA Redneck if: You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
URA Redneck if: Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
URA Redneck if: You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
URA Redneck if: You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
URA Redneck if: You clean your fingernails with a stick.
URA Redneck if: Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
URA Redneck if: You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
URA Redneck if: Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
URA Redneck if: Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
URA Redneck if: Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
URA Redneck if: You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
URA Redneck if: There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
URA Redneck if: The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
URA Redneck if: There has ever been crime-scene tape on your
                bathroom door.
URA Redneck if: You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
                monkeys.
URA Redneck if: The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
URA Redneck if: You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
URA Redneck if: You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
URA Redneck if: You think "taking out the trash" means taking
                your in-laws to a movie.
URA Redneck if: You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
URA Redneck if: You've ever been involved in a custody fight over
                a hunting dog.
URA Redneck if: Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
URA Redneck if: Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
URA Redneck if: The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when
                visiting your house.
URA Redneck if: You've ever bought a used cap.
URA Redneck if: Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
URA Redneck if: You pick your teeth from a catalog.
URA Redneck if: You've ever financed a tattoo.
URA Redneck if: You've ever stolen toilet paper.
URA Redneck if: You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
URA Redneck if: People hear your car a long time before they see it.
URA Redneck if: The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
URA Redneck if: You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
URA Redneck if: You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
URA Redneck if: You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
URA Redneck if: You've ever stood in line to have your picture
                taken with a freak of nature.
URA Redneck if: You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
URA Redneck if: You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
URA Redneck if: You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
URA Redneck if: you have ever used lard in bed.
URA Redneck if: you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
URA Redneck if: you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name
                on an overpass.
URA Redneck if: you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper
                entertainment.
URA Redneck if: your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
URA Redneck if: someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt
                buckle.
URA Redneck if: the primary color of your car is bondo.
URA Redneck if: directions to your house include "Turn off the
                paved road."
URA Redneck if: your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
URA Redneck if: you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
URA Redneck if: you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
URA Redneck if: Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.
URA Redneck if: your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
URA Redneck if: you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an
                empty milk jug.
URA Redneck if: you consider the fifth grade you senior year.
URA Redneck if: you have a rag for a gas cap.
URA Redneck if: the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
URA Redneck if: you have a hefty bag where the window of your car
                should be.
URA Redneck if: you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
URA Redneck if: your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
URA Redneck if: Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
URA Redneck if: you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while
                you're at work.
URA Redneck if: your dad walks you to school because you're in
                the same grade.
URA Redneck if: you view the next family reunion as a chance to
                meet girls.
URA Redneck if: your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
URA Redneck if: your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
URA Redneck if: the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
URA Redneck if: you mow the front yard and find a car.
URA Redneck if: your other truck is made by John Deere.
URA Redneck if: you think suspenders are a type of shirt.
URA Redneck if: going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a
                flashlight.
URA Redneck if: you keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
URA Redneck if: you ever got too drunk to fish.


                                  YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF
....................

1.   More than one living relative is named after a southern
     civil war general.
2.   Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3.   You've ever used lard in bed.
4.   Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5.   You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6.   There is a stuffed posum anywhere in your house.
7.   You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8.   Fewer than half of your cars run.
9.   Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
     telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10.  The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11.  You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and
     seductive tongue gestures.
12.  You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and
     cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by.
13.  Your family tree doesn't have any branches.
14.  Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15.  Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high
     school sports event.
17.  You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18.  The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19.  The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20.  Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21.  You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey
     and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22.  Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy
     size bottle of ketchup.
23.  The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
     front ones.
24.  You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25.  You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26.  You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27.  The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
     Institute".
28.  Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29.  You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30.  Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31.  You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32.  The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is
     "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
33.  You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major
     food groups.
34.  You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35.  The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends
     are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"
36.  You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37.  Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has
     an opening on the lube rack.
38.  You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39.  You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest
     invention of all time.
40.  You've ever been too drunk to fish.
41.  You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42.  You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43.  You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44.  You consider a family reunion a good place to pick up girls.
45.  You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46.  Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to
     help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47.  You've ever financed a tattoo.
48.  Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49.  You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50.  You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51.  Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52.  Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53.  Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54.  The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55.  Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56.  Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
     Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57.  You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58.  You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59.  Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60.  You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61.  Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62.  You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63.  You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
64.  You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
       time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65.  Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66.  You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67.  Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68.  Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69.  Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70.  You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
     on My Mind".
71.  You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72.  You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made
      it in prison.
73.  You have been fired from a construction job because of your
     appearance.
74.  You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
     House of Tattoos.
75.  You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76.  After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77.  The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid  you'll wear to the
     4-H Fair.
78.  You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
79.  Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush
     it."
80.  Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81.  You mow your lawn and find a car.
82.  If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting
     on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83.  You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you 
     only need to buy one gift.
84.  You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
     South will rise again.
85.  You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86.  You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87.  You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88.  You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89.  You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
     flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90.  There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your
     truck.
91.  You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92.  You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93.  If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94.  You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left
     arm below the shirt sleeve...
95.  You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96.  You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
     baseball hat.
97.  You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98.  When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99.  Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon.  The one
     what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
     Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
     about is if you can loose them or not.
102. You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
     brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
     make love.
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
     fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
     three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
     your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get
     grandma a new plug of tobacco
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against
     it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a             
     tornado.
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
     jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of
     the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House"
     Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your
     home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a
     hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas
     in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at
     the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got
     the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing
     "I Will Always Love You".
141. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
142. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
143. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
144. The blue book value of your truck goesnnedy Center.
     (Clinton true-life story) not sure about this one!
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
     record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for 
     it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with
     Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
154. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how
     much gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom
     was flooded.
156. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
157. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
158. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets
     light.
159. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the
     tractor.
160. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
161. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
162. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
163. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
164. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are
     "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
165. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
166. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
167. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
168. You bring your dog to work with you.
169. You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.



       Now Siphon Some Gas For The Pickup And Motor On Back To Mooseville 


--
Bye,

       _/      _/       _/_/_/_/_/       _/_/_/_/_/
     _/  _/  _/               _/       _/  _/  _/
     _/  _/ illem    _/     _/ an    _/  _/  _/ arkerink
                     _/_/_/  



      The desire to understand 
is sometimes far less intelligent than
     the inability to understand

If you have any question, remark, comment, want to share some philosophy or just want to express your opinion about these pages, feel free to send email to: w.j.markerink @ a1.nl